A day

I had another soul inside my body… a part of me, my own blood and flesh… and she was my best friend. I had been lonely for long, but now I had someone to talk to… and then suddenly, I lost her. “I no more have someone inside me I can talk to, who will I find in the outer world, I could not find one person in 26 years”… I thought, semiconscious of where or who I was… there was no one to hold me as I cried; but then I woke up,I was still in my bed, single, lonely… gathering bits of my dream…

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There are some people here who try to be an “enemy”, and I hate them even though in my show of greatness, I don’t call them so. Perhaps, pretending to be good helps in warding off some evil from your soul. But then here are some who pretend to be friend, and are interested in making their side strong… I am equally irritated by both; don’t want to be here or anywhere. Your love makes me sick of myself on the other hand. I can talk to any man or woman without seeing any difference, but for you, I can’t even look into your eyes for a minute. If I come face to face with you, I am not sure how to react, and I ignore you… may be you think I am arrogant, but its just that in you presence I realize I am a woman, and you are a man… equal but opposite, made to pull each other. and I am afraid that I may get pulled by your attraction force, which believe is stronger than mine… after all, you don’t seem half as disturbed as me…

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I decided to steal some moments from the busy work day, and I step out of a rather interesting press conference, after meeting some really hard working and dedicated people who have sacrificed a lot to bring social change… I decide to change my normal day’s routine and step in a park adjacent to the venue. It is a grand park, built by some ruler centuries ago. The last time I came here was with the man who was the first one I loved. He gave me a feeling of being complete that no one could. And I remember I had to wait for months before he asked me out. It’s sad he did not love me enough to be able to live with me forever, but his love has lived like an inspiration. I step in, and start walking, letting only my instinct guide me. I wonder how it would be to land on the same spot where we sat when I first came here… and my head, believing that its memory shows one direction. But my feet move in another, I don’t know why. I walk… and wonder what people would say seeing a girl walking alone through a park… who cares. I see two men, perhaps taking a break from their office; a young couple, maybe bunking classes; two women, chatting, again they looked like journalists to me (instinct). And then I see a middle aged couple, foreigners, holding hands, taking pictures… I can see love and comfort in their togetherness… and I wonder, how would it be at 40, to hold hands of the man I love, and walk in a park in another country, another world, in surrounding totally stranger, carrying your home in your heart.

I see a small romantic bridge, with no stream or lake underneath. I chose to walk up the bridge, even though all others chose to walk under it… there is no thought, and suddenly, I come across to the same structure, the mazar, by which we sat last time. I smile, and thank my instinct. Where my memories failed, my instinct came to rescue. I have no feelings, neither nostalgia, nor regret, nor love, nor hate… I think I am yet to discover the strongest of emotions, and I will react only when I unearth what it is. Love is not the answer to the disturbance, the search which makes me walk miles. And I don’t know why these walks on unknown roads help me like nothing else.

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I stepped out to attend another meeting, and I was already late. Thanks to the great auto rickshaws of Delhi, I am now stuck at a road where I can not get any other transport. I had only the amount to pay one side fare to my destination, and the rickshaw took me the wrong way. I wait at the bus stop for an hour, an not one bus that I can take. No rikshaws either. I started with a pleasant feeling, enjoying the view of the building in front, and the scrolls at the gate of a government Hindi language training academy, I read it once, twice, thrice, fourth time, fifth time… now I am no more in a pleasant mood and I start cursing the city state government, they can’t even run buses properly… I think of some nasty abusive words… those I never use in realty, but always in my head. And my thoughts then wander to those trying to be “Enemy”, a friend who has been rather unfair to me, the downs and downs that I feel I am going through… and frustrated with the turn of events, I decide to walk till a main road to get something… hardly two hundred meters and I realize I am close to one of Delhi’s posh markets…

That is what happens in life… we think we are stuck, we have no option, no bus, no rickshaw, no vehicle to take us to our destination… and then, a little extra effort, few hundred meters, few voluntary steps in a new direction, and we realize, we were trying to light fire with stones, while a civilization was flourishing in our backyard. No the day is not bad because I had to waste and hour and missed an appointment, but yes when I am back to my office, I am in a sour mood. For what, I still don’t know.

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We step down together, leaving for the day, you sprint ahead… I don’t want to look like following you, and I am not, just a coincidence that we stepped out together. But I would be happy to accompany you for a few meters, if not for life… but you step away. Maybe because that day I said I had to go in the other direction. You must be thinking me to be crazy… I try not to look desperate and text you that I wanted to say good bye… you say you did not notice… I say “lol”… you ask what is “lol”… and I find it so cute when you say that Facebook is another world, and you will join it only when you want some space travel… you belong to another time, and so do I… but I wonder if our times will ever collide.